A Proposal (Of Sorts)

Dear Special Agent Jack Malone,

People sometimes say to me, “How is it that you’re still single?”  Sometimes I smile and say, “Well, you know,” sometimes I am quippier and say, “I manage."  Mostly I choose to believe that when people ask this question what they really mean is, “You’re attractive enough and seem to have a fair amount of talent and ambition, and really, you’re a lovely person, it’s a wonder some lucky guy didn’t snap you up long ago,” as opposed to meaning, “Honey, you’re thirty-four and you aint getting any younger and you should really find yourself a man before it’s too late.”

And sometimes when I stare off into the middle distance contemplating the very answer to this very question, I think that maybe, just maybe, it might be because all my life I’ve been waiting to meet you. 

So I’m thinking maybe we should meet.  I think you’re very handsome in an unpretentious way and you're a very hard worker, which I like, and you seem a little tortured, which works out well, because I kinda like the tortured.  And I’ve always been fond of the name Jack, and I know you might say wait a minute didn’t you name the villain in If Andy Warhol Had a Girlfriend Jack?  Because surely you’ve read If Andy Warhol Had a Girlfriend because really, hasn’t everybody?  But the naming of the villain Jack, it wasn’t at all because I think of Jack as a villainous name but really as much more of a hottie-guy name.  That description was actually in the book until my editor cut it out, I think because it read as too immature.

Which brings me to another concern, that our possible 10-year age difference and my propensity toward immaturity might be a problem.  I've assured myself that it won’t be.  I’ve made strides recently to not get myself all in a dither over the likes of twenty year olds with whom I do not have a cradle-robbers chance in hell.  I feel the fact that I have more or less abandoned The O.C. in favor of you and your show Without a Trace and that I now prefer House (that Hugh Laurie's real cute, huh?) to the Gilmore Girls is nothing if not a testament to the leaps in maturity I have most recently taken.  Yes, it’s true there was a recent lapse into Laguna Beach, and Laguna Beach Stephen is all of eighteen (but so pretty in that fine-boned way of his) but we all have our moments, and that’s all it was, a moment, and I’m pretty sure that what might be best for me is an older man.  I’ve been contemplating this for a while, and even before the unfortunate lapse with Laguna, I put a pinky toe into the waters of older men with a summertime fascination with Jeremy Piven.  But then someone told me that Jeremy was kinda scummy, which is great news for you, Special Agent Jack Malone, because while it was neck and neck with you and Jeremy for a while there, now pretty much it’s all you.

And if I’ve learned anything over the years, it’s that timing is so important.  And now that it’s all over with you and Poppy Montgomery, I think the timing might be right for us.  I am nothing if not grounded in reality and I know that though I can at times be rather witty, I can’t really compete with Poppy Montgomery.  I mean it's not that I’m a dog or anything, I mean, come to think of it, when people really want to flatter me, they do tell me that I look like Kristin Davis, who I heard is dating Steve Martin, who I would actually leave you for if, let's say, we were dating and Steve Martin wanted to date me, because as far as older men go, me thinks Steve Martin has got it going on.  But I digress.

So, anyway, give it some thought and if you think a slightly reclusive spinster novelist with a bit of a reverse eating disorder, a nascent drinking problem, a self-diagnosed obsessive compulsive disorder, and a penchant for yoga, who may or may not look like Kristin Davis, is at all appealing, you let me know. 

And you work in the FBI offices in New York, right?  Because I really like New York and I’m not sure I’d be willing to relocate.

Comments

[Alison]

Aw, shucks. And Special Agent Jack Malone? Be sure to take note of Johanna's first P.S....

[Ally Carter]

Oh, dear, WHY do you would have to abandon the OC for Without a Trace? They are both on my TiVO season pass, as one is on at 8 here in the middle of the country and the other is on at 9. And, of course, you have the old Without a Traces that are on TNT on Monday nights which is great if there are people out there who have yet to realize the total male hotness represented by this great show.

Oh my gosh...you could marry Jack and I could marry Martin!!!! That would be great. (we could even tag team Poppy Montgomery to keep her away from them--is there a luckier girl on television?)

Ally Carter

[jlo]

Am I the only one who is REALLY bothered by the new latina chick? Don't know what it is about her, but I want to smack her, and not just because I can't understand anything she ever says.

[Alison]

Me, I just like that your initials are J-Lo.

[Anony]

This is so funny!!!